Why aren't I more confident?

Why aren't I more confident?

Who would have thought that the confidence movement is actually making women feeling worse about themselves? While there is much talk about the rise of women and the exciting new places we are all headed, there is very little real and practical detail offered on how to get there. Books written by successful women become instant best sellers as their stories are searched for some clue or secret that the rest of us didn’t get the memo about. How are we supposed to become the best version of ourselves, if we don’t know how?

Read More

Why I am grateful for my panic attacks

Why I am grateful for my panic attacks

So there I was, crouched in a corner. The room was spinning and I felt as if I was out of my body watching myself.  My chest was tight and my stomach was filled with sickening waves of anxiety. I felt hot then cold, clammy then numb. I was alone at the time and that made everything seem worse. Every fibre of my body wanted to run as fast as I could away from myself. At the same time I felt paralysed, barely able to move. How could so many awful sensations be happening in the one body, all at the same time? 

Read More

No matter what - I will be curious and have fun

No matter what - I will be curious and have fun

In every single second of your life, your body is sending 11 million bits of information to your brain for processing, yet your conscious mind can only process 50 of those bits. Imagine that. The mind has to delete massive amounts of information, then choose the few teeny bits that match what we each believe. We also rely on assumptions and past experiences to help us predict what we can expect in our day. This stops us from burning ourselves on the same toaster every morning. While we have become very efficient in getting through our day, we also continually miss out on huge chunks of new information. If we do this for long enough, our lives can become rigid, dull and incredibly small. Curiosity is an essential feature of a vibrant and dynamic life. It is how we lift up out of survival mode and step into a whole new world of ‘thrive’.

Read More

No matter what - I will forgive myself as I learn

No matter what - I will forgive myself as I learn

As much as we may hope, we are not here to live a mistake free life, hurt no-one and then die peacefully in our sleep from old age. Real life is messy and a full life is even messier. We will have our hearts broken, and we will hurt others along the way. There will be plenty of mistakes and some of those may be life changing. As we have discussed previously, we are here to learn about ourselves and we can only do that from the experiences we have. How we move ‘up’ from these experiences can be helped with the use of forgiveness. Forgiveness is the most powerful clean up tool on the market and yet we have such a patchy experience with it. That is because we all read the instructions wrong and we have been using it back to front.

Read More

No matter what - I will learn from every experience

No matter what - I will learn from every experience

One of the most important beliefs confident people have is that life is one long learning experience. This essential attitude can set the tone for everything you do and it can keep you going even through the darkest and most confusing of times. Learning about yourself and challenging your limits when you find them, can give you a deeper sense of purpose that is just between you and you. Building on what you learn allows you to become more resilient and savvy with every passing day. It is only through a commitment to learning that we are able to set our minds to look for the options and opportunities that would otherwise be missed in a situation. If we are going to feel the pain and discomfort that life can bring, we may as well make sure we become wiser for it.

Read More

No matter what - I will know I always have a choice

No matter what - I will know I always have a choice

It can be hard to believe that we have as many choices as we do. We can’t just leave a job we hate because those bills are not about to pay themselves. We have no choice when it comes to a difficult family member, tragic accidents or that painful illness we did not ask for. Choices are a luxury. They are for people with a lot less to lose, right? While we cannot control everything that happens to us, we forget that we have complete choice about how we accept and deal with what is happening. The choices you make about how you are going to be, regardless of the situation, will directly determine how that situation will be for you.  Welcome to the only place in the entire universe you have complete control. Everywhere else is an exhausting waste of time.

Read More

No matter what - I will be clear in what I have to say

No matter what - I will be clear in what I have to say

Imagine that at the start of our lives we are each handed a bag. In that bag we will store every single word we hold ourselves back from saying. This bag would also contain all the feelings that came with those words such as fear, anger and resentment. We can never leave this bag or put it down for even a minute, no matter how heavy it gets. What would your bag look like now? Could it do with some wheels? The bigger this bag seems, the more reactive and irritated we become. Unfortunately, that bag and all its contents sits inside each one of us, creating internal pressure and taking up prime real estate. Learning how to speak up will not only declutter your old ideas and upsets, it will create the essential space for you to become the person you choose to be.

Read More

No matter what - I will know that everything starts with me

No matter what - I will know that everything starts with me

By the end of this blog, you will discover just how incredibly powerful you are. Whether you realise it or not, every single one of us is currently writing, directing and featuring in our own unique version of life. Are you writing a blockbuster or a B grade movie? Is your story an adventure or is everyone sitting around waiting for something to happen?  Have you given yourself a lead role or are you an extra in someone else’s movie? The life you are living and the world you see is precisely determined by what you believe is possible for yourself. What pushes your buttons, challenges you or keeps coming up over and over again are being shown to you so you can do something about them. We are ultimately here to grow and the first step in that process is to feel the pain of something that is not working.

Read More

No matter what - I will forget perfect and choose real

No matter what - I will forget perfect and choose real

By now you may be noticing that the very things we think will bring us love and success are actually having the opposite effect. Putting others first, not saying no and trying to find our self worth in the approval of others is leaving us feeling empty and insecure. Another one of those sure-fire, feel bad strategies is trying to be perfect. Instead of bringing out your best, all it does is set you up to feel like a perfect disappointment. However, for many people the thought of being real means having to show parts of themselves that have been hidden for a very good reason; a bit like one of those dreams where everyone else is dressed and all you have on are your most tatty Nanna pants (you know the ones). Being real is what we are ultimately here to learn how to do. And if you are not being real, who are you being?

Read More

No matter what - I will declare that I am good enough - for me

No matter what - I will declare that I am good enough - for me

There are some things that only we can give ourselves and self esteem is one of them. Unfortunately, as we grow up our self esteem works like a public suggestion box; chock full of other peoples’ ideas and careless comments all forming our self worth. Like your gut feeling, your self esteem is another piece of essential equipment that we have no idea how to use properly. First, you need to adjust the privacy setting from ‘public’ to ‘you’ only. You can then tip it out and fill it with what you decide you are worth. Self esteem works perfectly when your choices match the value you have pre-set for yourself and it gets stronger every time you use it that way. Declare that your self esteem is not negotiable and it will become so much easier being you.

Read More

No matter what - I will treat myself as well as I treat others

No matter what - I will treat myself as well as I treat others

Imagine you woke up tomorrow to find you are talking to the people around you in the exact same way you speak to yourself. For one day your usually private inner critic is now on full volume and applied to everyone you meet. What kind of day would you and those around you have? Would there be a trail of wounded people left sobbing in your wake, deeply traumatised by your words? I am guessing that some of us would not make it past the quickly organised lynch mob at the bus stop. And if this is the reaction we know we would get from other people, why is it acceptable to talk like that to ourselves. Where did we get the idea that to bring out our best, what we need is a good old dose of harsh criticism while everyone else needs support and understanding?

Read More

No matter what - I will say No when I need to

No matter what - I will say No when I need to

If we took a vote, ‘No’ would definitely win the prize for worst word ever. This tiny little word has the power to control, humiliate and cause pain. It is often thought to be the start of trouble and the end of relationships. We don’t like saying it and we certainly don’t like hearing it. Because we never learn how to say No properly, the few times we do use it usually ends up very messy. We either blurt it out with way too much anger or say it after days of agonising over it with a shaky voice. These attempts are so unpleasant and unsuccessful that it reinforces the idea that we are better off saying yes or nothing at all. Rather than making things easier, we actually give ourselves a very difficult job when we choose to avoid this word.

Read More

No matter what - I will trust my gut feeling

No matter what - I will trust my gut feeling

Imagine if you could download an app that would beep if you were just about to agree to something that would not end well for you. It could even make a different sound that would tell you when you were heading for something good. This app could save you years in a bad relationship or being ripped off in a business deal. There would be quite a rush to get one yes? And what would you be willing to pay for this marvellous piece of technology? The good news is that you don’t need to download a thing as we all have one fully fitted and it’s free! The bad news is that it does not come with an instruction manual and so most are covered in dust, sitting ignored and untrusted. This nifty little gadget is your gut feeling. Your very own personal GPS, programmed to lead you toward what is good and healthy for you. Can you really afford to ignore it any longer?

Read More

No matter what - I will be my word

No matter what - I will be my word

Think of someone you know who consistently says one thing and does another. It doesn’t take very long to think of someone does it? These are the people you expect will be late or cancel at the last minute. Who say they will call you and they don’t. Who talk about doing things they never seem make happen. What are they like to be around? Because there is no action, what you get are empty words and long justifying stories. Notice how you only half listen and take them less seriously than other people. Now think about someone who says they will get something to you and they actually do. They say they will call on a certain day at a certain time - and it happens. There is something very different about this type of person and how you feel about them. It feels good to be around them and things actually get done. And because these people take their word seriously, you naturally take them more seriously too.

Read More

Promises, promises......

Promises, promises......

Hopefully the 'Self first vs Selfish' blog has clarified how putting yourself first is actually good for you and the people around you. There will be no loved ones chasing you with pitchforks or banishment to Selfish Island. In fact, most of the changes we will be working on will only be obvious to you. So many of the expectations we think other people have of us are actually what we silently bring into all of our relationships. Some examples of that would be ‘I have to be perfect’ or ‘I can’t say no’. You can make those changes without involving anyone else. Moving from People Pleaser or Dominator to Empowered person (which were explained in the previous post) is a process and there are parts of you that need to be developed to make that shift possible. Our focus over the coming months will be building the relationship you have with yourself. It is important you become the expert on you so you can learn how to bring out your best. You are the only person who can do that and it is easier than you think.

Read More

Self first vs Selfish

Self first vs Selfish

As I was getting ready to start the 12 Steps to Confidence series, I began to think about the strong reaction that comes up every time the conversation turns to the idea of putting yourself first. So before we go any further, it may be helpful to explore what ‘putting yourself first’and ‘empowerment’ really means and why you should want it so much.  I guarantee you will not be turned into a lonely, selfish, mean machine! In fact, you may be surprised to discover that all your hard work and effort in putting others first is actually doing more harm than good to you and your relationships!

Read More

About me and About You

About me and About You

I had to pinch myself when I was invited to speak about self-love at The Goddess Workshop in Sydney last month. Growing up, I was the girl who felt so worthless I would constantly compare myself to others which, by the way, never ends well for you. All my energy went into pleasing people and putting their needs first and I wondered why that left me feeling so empty and angry. I was completely obsessed with what other people thought of me. I would replay entire conversations in my head making sure I didn't say anything stupid. I had this constant uneasy feeling I would be found out. That eventually I would say or do something that would show the real, worthless me and everyone would leave me in disgust. And so my full time job was trying to be perfect and keeping everyone at a safe distance. While all this was happening, I kept pretending that I was confident and easy going. It was exhausting being me!

Read More